It’s easy to laugh at conspiracy theories, that is, it’s easy to laugh until you find yourself falling victim to one. Me? Mine’s as old as Tom Sawyer and white washed fences and I’m afraid I played right into their diabolical little scheme!
May Day has many meanings, but in my case it was the beginning of the scam. I’m not sure how many players were involved and if the con was organic or planned, I just know that I’m the one who got took. How you ask? Allow me to elucidate.
Matt Ford, a friend of mine in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, is a Relator. He posted a listing on Face Book and the accompanying picture looked very familiar. When I clicked on the photo I realized that the property lay about halfway between our former residence and the elementary school that I walked my children to daily beginning in 1998. Once on Google maps I scrolled northward to the residence we left in August 2015. When I switched to satellite view it looked as though someone was in my old yard so I changed to street view and was amused to see a photo of my wife cutting the lawn.
Amused? Well, my wife left Iowa six years ago and there she was immortalized on Google Maps. I texted my wife and our far flung children, “Remember when Google Earth had a photo of the green van in the driveway of one of Sean’s friend’s house?” referencing a photo over a decade old. “While she does way more work around and especially inside the house than I do they have her cutting the lawn which I do at least 80% of the time.”
My text created an uproar.
My daughter in law Katie responded with, “I don’t ever remember you mowing the lawn. I always see Pat doing it. I literally just told John that too.”
Pat joined in the texting: “Hahaha, Keith is convinced he mows the lawn 90% of the time. I disagree. Now he is marking the calendar when the lawn is mowed and who does it. So far he is ahead with 1.”
Four days elapsed and on May fifth I wrote: “I cut the lawn today. Me do it. Pat has not cut the lawn all year.”
KATIE- You’re only doing it so you can get ahead right now.
PAT- You got that right, Katie, LOL.
KEITH- She told me to.
KATIE- Oh no, no, no. I’ve heard this conversation many times. Just because Pat told you to do it doesn’t mean you would actually follow through and do it.
KEITH- Crap. Busted.
I cut the lawn again but felt no need to brag, however on May 22nd my wife threw the gauntlet.
PAT- Not that it is a competition or anything, but Keith, 2; Pat, 1. For the year, hahahahaha.
KATIE- So what you’re saying is that Keith is done mowing for the year now.
Raleigh had a very dry spring and the lawn didn’t need to be cut again until June. On June third I tactfully texted, “Hey, Pat! Is it true that Keith has cut the lawn 50% more often than you have in 2021?”
KATIE- Season is still young.
PAT- Thank you, Katie.
KATIE- There’s literally Google Earth evidence Pat mows the lawn.
KEITH- Fake Noose!
KEITH- I beat Pat in our triathlon today!
(On the bike.)
KATIE- Did you win so she’d have to mow the lawn?
KEITH- She beat me but mostly in the swim.
KATIE- So overall loser has to mow the lawn.
KEITH- I have to mow the lawn regardless because statistically I am the one who mows the lawn.
KATIE- Pretty sure your stats are biased on emotion.
KEITH- 3 to 2
KATIE- **for now**
KEITH- 4 to 2 comes next.
I think Pat paid Katie to say Pat mows way more often than I do because now I’m going to go cut the lawn to retake the lead.
Patricia cut the lawn May seventh which brought the score to three all. She informed me that the lawn needed to be cut again on May 13th. I made sure I beat her to it so she would not get the upper hand. It was then that I realized that my wife and daughter in law were in cahoots and that I was being played.
KEITH- There’s something very Mark Twainish going on here.
KATIE- Let me just tell you how hard I cackled at that.
Oh, she’s cackling is she? The question is why is she cackling? Is it because I’d been had? Because I saw through the ruse, or because it was all just innocent ramifications from a picture from our past? I may never know, but I have my suspicions. Tom Sawyer laughed all the way to the bank!