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Synopsis:
An older married couple arrive at a restaurant to meet their son’s girlfriend for the first time. The son delivers life changing news to Mom and Dad.

Scene:
A single booth at a restaurant with two facing benches to seat four adults. The booth is center stage. There is an entry doorway stage right, lavatories are stage left and kitchen/bar access is up right.

Cast of Characters:
Robin- A waitress. She is between twenty and forty years old, dresses to catch the eye in a low cut blouse, a tight skirt with a high slit and high heels, all of which are black in color, as is her small apron where she keeps her order pad and a pen. She can be any race. Jewelry as appropriate.

Phil Anderer- A well-dressed man in his mid-sixties. He wears a sport coat and slacks, ironed shirt, polished shoes and matching belt but limited jewelry; a watch and perhaps a tasteful gold chain necklace. His teeth are ultra-white and hair is coiffed. He is the father to Lugh. Any race, BUT should be same race as Lugh or at least a probable genetic father.

Autumn Anderer- She is wearing a business suit, a jacket with a matching skirt paired with a silk blouse. She is about two decades younger than her husband. Her make-up and jewelry are perfect. She has a large engagement ring, her jacket sports a stick pin and she wears a wedding band. She is Phil’s third wife. She is not Lugh’s mother. Any race.

Lugh Nasa- A man in his early to mid-twenties. Phil’s son. Same race as Phil or probable genetic offspring.

Freya Crownyet- Tall, classic Scandinavian beauty. Around 21 years old. Very flowing blouse and skirt. Her blouse is so flowing that it allows people to catch glimpses of her breasts. She has on very little makeup; jewelry as appropriate.

Both Freya and Robin carry purses.

LIGHTS

ROBIN is resetting the empty restaurant booth with silverware and cloth napkins. AUGUST and PHIL enter from right. AUGUST enters in front of PHIL who has held the door open for her. PHIL looks distracted and bored. He checks his watch. Autumn looks determined.

ROBIN: Hi, folks. Just the two of you tonight?

AUTUMN: No; four. Unless they’re already here?

AUTUMN scans the “other” tables but Lugh and Freya are not in the restaurant.
PHIL’s blasé look disappeared when he saw Robin
.

ROBIN: No, I don’t think so. Nobody said anything about meeting another couple. Booth or table?

PHIL: Booth.

ROBIN: Right this way please.

ROBIN walks PHIL and AUTUMN to table
PHIL stares at ROBIN’s ass.

ROBIN: This alright?

PHIL: Peachy

AUTUMN drops her purse on the padded bench and starts to sit facing stage right but PHIL tilts his head and looks down his nose at her. AUTUMN rolls her eyes, sighs, grabs her purse, stands and then sits on the opposite side so she faces stage left.

PHIL: Thank you.

PHIL sits opposite AUTUMN

ROBIN: Can I get you guys something to drink?

PHIL: Fat Tire.

ROBIN: Tall or short?

PHIL: Tall.

ROBIN: And you, ma’am?

AUTUMN: Wine? No, wait. Angry Orchard? That’s gluten free; right?

ROBIN: Sure is. I’ll be right back with your drinks.

ROBIN exits up right.
PHIL watches her walk away. AUTUMN watches PHIL watching ROBIN.

AUTUMN: I told you we’d be fine.

PHIL: We’re not fine, we’re late. They’re just later, that’s all.

AUTUMN looks at PHIL tisks and shakes her head

AUTUMN: It’s 6:35, Phil.

PHIL: Which makes us?

AUTUMN: Here before them?

PHIL: Har, har, har. Hey! I see Lugh.

LUGH and FREYA enter from right.

PHIL: Holy guaca-ka-chinga! Wait till you see this girl.

AUTUMN: I’ve seen pictures on Facebook.

PHIL: Me, too. They don’t do her justice.

PHIL stands and waves both arms.

PHIL: Lugh! Over here!

LUGH and FREYA cross to center.

LUGH: Phil. Autumn. Sorry we’re late. Freya, this is my dad, Phil Anderer and his wife Autumn. Guys, Freya Crownyet.

PHIL delivers a three back slap hug to LUGH and then embraces FREYA, pulling her to him and kissing her cheek. When he releases her from the embrace his hands slip down from her shoulders, along her arms to her hands which he holds in both of his.

PHIL: Please, let’s sit.

AUTUMN stands, “air kisses” both of LUGH’s cheeks and offers FREYA a “dead fish” hand shake.

AUTUMN: At last. Lugh’s told us all about you.

AUTUMN’s purse is in the far corner of the booth. FREYA sits next to her, purse separating the two women. PHIL ushers LUGH into the seat opposite his stepmother and then sits across from FREYA.

FREYA: Not all I hope. (She giggles.) My fault that we’re late. I couldn’t decide what to wear.

ROBIN enters from up right with drinks. She places a coaster in front of PHIL and AUTUMN and then puts the Cider before AUTUMN and the beer in front of PHIL.
PHIL takes a long drink from his beer and sighs appreciatively.
PHIL needs to be drinking regularly so that he finishes his beer well ahead of the other three.

ROBIN passes out menus and then speaks as quickly as possible.

ROBIN: Hi, everybody, my name’s Robin and I’ll be your server tonight.

ROBIN slows to conversational pace.

ROBIN: Drinks?

FREYA: What did she say?

PHIL: What she always says:
PHIL speaks at the same frenetic pace that ROBIN spoke at-
PHIL: Hi, my name’s Robin and ’ll be your server tonight.
PHIL slows to a conversational pace-
PHIL: What do you think of that last name, Freya?
PHIL returns to tongue tripping speed-
PHIL: I’ll be your server.
PHIL returns to conversational speed.
PHIL: “I’ll be your server,” is a very odd last name. What are you guys drinking?

ROBIN shakes her head and laughs.

PHIL: Lugh? Freya?

LUGH: Whatever you’re having, Phil.

FREYA: Do you have wine?

ROBIN: Sure. What would you like?

FREYA: Do you have something in a dry Moscato?

ROBIN does a double take.
ROBIN: Yes, we have Moscato.

FREYA: Moscato please.

ROBIN: Okay, tall Fat Tire and a, uh, dry Moscato. I’ll get your drinks and you guys can take a look at the menu?

PHIL: Perfect.
PHIL bends forward out of his booth and tilts his head so that he can better watch ROBIN exit up right. When he sits back in his seat he smiles and takes another drink from his beer.
PHIL: So, any problems finding the place?

LUGH: Nope. GPS brought us right here.

FREYA: Sorry we’re late.

AUTUMN: Oh, just stop. Ten minutes is not late. You weren’t catching a bus; we’re having dinner. You’re fine.

PHIL: If you’re what I get to look at for dinner it was well worth the wait. Very cute outfit.

FREYA: You really think so? Thanks! See, Lugh! He said I look cute.

LUGH: All I said was that you might be cold with the air conditioning.

PHIL starts at FREYA’s breasts.
PHIL: Yeah? Maybe she is, a little. Pretty sure I see a couple of goosebumps.
PHIL keeps his eyes on FREYA.
PHIL: Lugh, it’s great to see you. How’s Sohruh?

LUGH: Mom’s fine. She said to tell you hi.

PHIL: Hi back at her. So, Freya, how are you adjusting to the Midwest?

FREYA: Oh, it has its ups and downs.
FREYA reaches over and takes LUGHS hand.
FREYA: A little boring maybe, but the people seem nice.

AUTUMN: Yes, we’re not very cosmopolitan around here. Chicago’s not bad but I miss New York.

PHIL: New York? You haven’t lived in New York since you were 18! Good lord, that’s been-

AUTUMN interrupts PHIL.
AUTUMN: -a while. Still, a girl can miss her childhood home; can’t she?

PHIL: Sure. If she can remember that far back.

AUTUMN gives PHIL an icy look.

PHIL: Speaking of childhood, what’s this I hear about you going to Scandinavia this summer? Norway, right?

FREYA: Close. Sweden. I figure now’s a good time to visit my roots, and what better time than summer to visit the land of the midnight sun?

AUTUMN: Sounds exciting.

ROBIN returns with drinks. Puts a coaster and beer in front of Lugh.
LUGH lifts his glass and takes along drink.

ROBIN: Fat Tire tall boy-

ROBIN places coaster and wine glass in front of FREYA.
ROBIN: And a dry Moscato for the pretty lady. Ready to order?

PHIL: Christ. Sorry, Robin. We haven’t even looked at the menu. How about an appetizer?
PHIL glances at the menu.
PHIL: Breaded mushrooms?

LUGH: Like your sixties shrooms, Phil?

PHIL gives LUGH a dirty look.
PHIL: Har, har. Funny. Like a heart attack. Mushrooms?

AUTUMN glances at menu.
AUTUMN: That’s fine.

FREYA: Uh, sure?

LUGH: Frey? You pick mushrooms off your pizza for God’s sake.

FREYA: No. It’s fine.

PHIL: No, no. We’ll get something else.

ROBIN: I’m not really into mushrooms either but these are really, really good.

PHIL: Good. Mushrooms then. Oh, and, sweet heart? Bring water.

ROBIN: Sure. Breaded mushrooms, four waters and I’ll be right back to see if you’re ready to order.

PHIL: Perfect.

PHIL winks at ROBIN and stares at her as she exits up right.
PHIL: What do you think, Autumn? Pizza?

AUTUMN: No. I’m thinking pasta primavera. Maybe with shrimp. How about you?

PHIL: You know what I haven’t had in forever? A tenderloin. Breaded.

AUTUMN: Oh, Phil! You know you’re not supposed to-

PHIL Interrupts AUTUMN.
PHIL: My mother’s been dead going on ten years. I don’t need another one, thank you. How about you, Freya? What are you going to get?

FREYA: Ravioli Florentine I think. I probably shouldn’t: All those carbs! But I guess I can run it off tomorrow.

PHIL: Pfff. You eat all the pasta you want; you look terrific. Doesn’t she, Lugh?

LUGH: Can’t disagree with that.

AUTUMN: Not if you know what’s good for you.

LUGH: And this’ll give me a chance to run with you tomorrow.

PHIL: I envy you, son. Nice scenery no matter where you two go.

AUTUMN rolls her eyes.
AUTUMN: What about you, Lugh? Ready?

ROBIN enters from up right and brings four waters, four plates and the mushrooms to the table where she drops them off.
It is important that PHILL, AUTUMN, LUGH and FREYA drink the water and their drinks as the sit and talk.

LUGH: Pretty much. You guys go first.

PHIL: Freya?

FREYA: Ravioli Florentine please.

ROBIN pulls out a pad and pencil from her apron.
ROBIN: What kind of dressing?

FREYA: Vinaigrette?

ROBIN: Sure. Bread sticks or garlic bread?

FREYA: Oh, my! More carbs. Why do people serve bread with pasta? It’s so redundant.

LUGH: And repetitious, as well as delicious. I’ll have the ravioli, too. With blue cheese. And bring her garlic bread and I’ll have breadsticks.

FREYA: “Please.” And I don’t want garlic bread.

LUGH: Huh? Oh. Right. “Please.” I know. The garlic bread’s for me. You’re watching carbs, not me.

AUTUMN: Well you should. Diabetes runs in the family.

LUGH: Just on Phil’s side. Besides, carbo diem, right?

PHIL: Oh, God. Two thirds of a pun; the P and the U. Robin, give me the tenderloin sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and pickles. And another beer. But you can bring the beer with the food. This one should hold me over till then.
PHIL drinks more beer.

ROBIN: Would you like fries or a salad?

PHIL: I’d like fries, but I’ll take a salad. Blue cheese for me too. Like father like son.

AUTUMN looks at PHIL for a moment before speaking.
AUTUMN: Yes. May I have the gluten free pasta primavera please? With shrimp? And the dressing comes on the side, correct?

ROBIN: Yes, ma’am.

AUTUMN:  Perfect. I’ll take the vinaigrette as well, please. And you heard me say gluten free; right?

ROBIN: Yes, ma’am. I sure did. Gluten free pasta primavera with shrimp and vinaigrette dressing on the side. I’ll get this right in.

ROBIN exits up right, PHIL stares at her retreating caboose.

Autumn: Would you excuse me, dear? I need the little girls room.

FREYA: Huh? Oh! Sure. Excuse me. (FREYA rises) I’ll go with you.

LUGH: Isn’t this a cliché?

PHIL: There’s usually a reason for a cliché. Go powder your noses, girls.
PHIL stares at Freya as she and AUTUMN exit left.
PHIL: Nice girl. How are things going?

LUGH: Great! That trip to Sweden? I’m taking her. Six weeks. Leave first part of next month. We’ll be there during the height of summer. I can’t wait!

ROBIN enters from up right with salads and PHIL’s beer. She places them on the table, smiles and exits up right.


PHIL is silent as he watches her walk away.
PHIL: Really? Well, congratulations. Wait. What about work? You don’t have six weeks of vacation; you haven’t even been on the job two years yet.

LUGH: Nope. I put in my notice.

PHIL: You did what!? What are you, an idiot? You can’t afford that! I paid a lot of money for that college education of yours. You’re not a child, Lugh, so why are you acting like one?

LUGH takes a long drink on his beer.
LUGH: She’s the one, Phil. I’m planning to ask her to marry me while we’re in Sweden. She makes me feel like a kid again.

PHIL: Again? You are a kid! And just because you feel like one doesn’t mean you should act like one! Go ahead and marry her but if you quit your job how are you going to support her? Or yourself, for that matter! When I married you mother, Lenz-

LUGH interrupts PHIL.
LUGH: Sohruh. My mother’s name is Sohruh Nasa. She had me take her last name when you divorced her for Autumn, remember? You might recall that you left Lenz for Sohruh?

PHIL: Don’t change the subject! You know exactly what I’m talking about. When I married my first wife, Lenz, I buckled down and took care of business. Like you need to.

AUTUMN and FREYA enter from left and stroll toward the table.

LUGH: Lower your voice, Phil. Here they come.

PHIL glares at LUGH and stands as AUTUMN and FREYA arrive at table. He nods to AUTUMN but hugs and kisses FREYA.

PHIL: So, Freya! You didn’t mention that Lugh was going with you to Sweden. Isn’t that great, honey?

AUTUMN: Oh. Why, yes. This summer you said? When are you leaving?

PHIL: They’re leaving the first part of June. Next week? And get this; they’re staying for six weeks. Isn’t that just great, honey?

AUTUMN: Six weeks? Are you taking a sabbatical, Lugh?

LUGH: Not exactly

Silence for three count.

LUGH: Salads look good.

FREYA looks from face to face. Takes big drink of wine.

AUTUMN: Well, look at that! Anybody notice anything about the salads?

PHIL: Mostly iceberg lettuce?

AUTUMN: No. Well, yes. But no. My salad doesn’t have any croutons. I was going to ask you if you stole mine but you haven’t touched your salad so I’m pretty sure it came this way. How’s that for service?!

PHIL: What?

AUTUMN: Well, Robin knows I don’t do gluten so she must have told the kitchen no croutons. Now that’s service.

PHIL: Imagine that: Someone who’s competent at her job. Isn’t that nice, Lugh?

LUGH and PHIL do three count stare.

LUGH: Yeah. And she seems nice, too. Probably an act; don’t you think, Phil?

Everyone eats salad silently for three count.

AUTUMN: So, Freya. Do you have family in Sweden? People that you know?

FREYA: Sort of. My grandmother did and so I emailed some of them and now I have four cousins that I’m Facebook friends with. I’m really excited. I’ve never been to Europe.

AUTUMN: Oh, you’ll love it. Won’t she, Phil?

PHIL: Absolutely.

ROBIN enters up right and brings PHIL’s beer and the food. ROBIN speaks as she places the dishes in front of each person.

ROBIN: Pasta primavera, gluten free, with shrimp.
Spinach ravioli. Spinach ravioli.
A beer and a tenderloin sandwich. Would you like ketchup or mustard?

PHIL: Ketchup!? On a tenderloin? Bite your tongue. Mustard please.

PHIL looks at AUTUMN and then back to ROBIN.

PHIL: Hey, I noticed the salad you brought my dear wife didn’t have any croutons. Nice job on the gluten free, eh, guys?

ROBIN: Oh. Yeah. Thanks! I don’t do gluten either.

PHIL: Autumn can eat gluten; she just, you know, prefers not to. But good job!

ROBIN collects empty salad bowls.
ROBIN: Uh, thanks. Anybody else need another drink?

AUTUMN, PHIL, FREYA and LUGH: Yes!

PHIL: Well, maybe not yet. Just three more.

ROBIN: Okay. Mustard, Angry Orchard, Fat Tire and a Moscato.

FREYA: Dry Moscato.

ROBIN: Of course. Dry Moscato. Be right back.
ROBIN exits up right. PHIL leers after her.

PHIL: Don’t wait for me: Eat.

EVERYONE but PHIL eats.

AUTUMN: So where will you be staying in Sweden?

LUGH: We’re going to travel all over. We’ll stay at some bed and breakfasts, do a little camping, we may even try that Air B and B.

PHIL: What the hell’s an Air B and B?

LUGH: Rent a couch. In somebody’s home? Just a place to crash for the night.

PHIL shakes his head in disgust.

AUTUMN: Think of it as Uber for sleeping, Phil.

FREYA: It really doesn’t matter, as long as we’re together.

LUGH reaches over and takes FREYA’s hand.
ROBIN enters from up right with drinks and mustard. ROBIN places drinks on table and collects empties.

ROBIN: Everything good?

PHIL: Food wise. And service. As usual. Bring me more water?

FREYA: Please!
FREYA clamps a hand over her mouth.

FREYA: Sorry.

PHIL looks at FREYA.
PHIL: Please.

ROBIN: Right away.

ROBIN exits up right with empties on tray.
PHIL leers.

FREYA: I’m sorry, Mr. Anderer. That was so rude of me. I was a server for two summers; it made me a little sensitive.

PHIL shrugs. Adds mustard to his sandwich takes a bite and chews.
PHIL: No. You’re right. And it’s Phil; my father was Mr. Anderer. Jesus! “Is this heaven?” “No, it’s Iowa.” Damn, this is good.

ROBIN enters from up right with pitcher and refills the glasses WITHOUT touching them.

FREYA: Well, Robin, there’s another point in your favor: No touchdown!

ROBIN: Beg your pardon?

FREYA: A touchdown? You know, when somebody touches a glass with the pitcher during a refill? My managers called it a touchdown at work? Something we were never, ever supposed to do? Because it spreads germs?

ROBIN: Oh! Yeah! I guess I’ve just never heard that expression before. “Touchdown” huh?

FREYA: That’s what we called it in Philadelphia. That’s where I’m from.

ROBIN: Oh, yeah? We went there for my senior trip.

FREYA: Cool.

ROBIN: Yeah. So, everything’s good?

PHIL: This tenderloin is to kill for. Food’s great, which is why we keep coming back. Thanks, Robin.

ROBIN: Another beer?

PHIL hesitates.
PHIL: No. Thanks. Water’s fine.

ROBIN: Well, enjoy your meal.

ROBIN exits up right.
PHIL watches her walk away.

AUTUMN: Freya, aren’t you finishing your junior year? Shouldn’t you be, well, working as an intern this summer?

FREYA: Well, sort of? I mean, yes, I just finished my junior year but I think travel is as important as getting an internship; don’t you?

PHIL: No.

LUGH: Yes!

AUTUMN: Hmm. There’s no doubt that travel’s important but the next year is one of the most critical when it comes to your career path. Did you know that I met Phil as an intern? That certainly shaped my life.

LUGH: And mine. You we’re married to Mom when you two met, weren’t you, Phil?

PHIL locks eyes with LUGH.
PHIL: Why, yes! I believe that’s correct. That’s right, isn’t it, Lamb Chop?

AUTUMN: Oh my, yes. We were a lot younger then, weren’t we?

PHIL: At least one of us was. Of course travel’s important but six weeks? Good God. And if you’d just done two weeks then Lugh wouldn’t have had to quit his job.

FREYA: You quit your job!?

LUGH: Maybe. Sort of? Yes.

FREYA: Why?

LUGH: Because… Because I hate it and I love you! Because I want to be with you twenty-four-seven. Because I want to take you to Sweden, to meet your family, explore your roots and six weeks away from you is seven weeks too long. I love you, baby, I can always get another job but there’s only one of you.

FREYA reaches over with both hands to LUGH.
FREYA: Ohhhh. That is so sweet.

AUTUMN: Youth. How glorious.

PHIL glares at AUTUMN.
PHIL: Glorious?! Glorious. More like gore yourself. Romance is fine but we’ve got to be practical.

LUGH: Hey, Dad? A, it is too late now and two, since when did you get to decide what I should do with my life? I think you gave that up about twenty years ago, don’t you?

AUTUMN: Boys, don’t fight. Freya? How’s your ravioli?

PHIL: It’s my party and I’ll fight if I want to. You want to know when I get to decide? When I pay for something. I paid for your sweet little undergraduate degree and your graduate work- you know? The graduate work that you’ve put on hold so that you can ‘Have a more fulfilling life experience’? That’s the way the world works, Bucky, when I pay for a thing then I own it.

LUGH: Like Mom? And Lenz? And Autumn?

AUTUMN gasps.
AUTUMN: That was both uncalled for and a low blow, young man!

PHIL: Is this way you always respond to constructive criticism? By attacking innocent bystanders?

LUGH: Innocent bystanders?! How about homewrecker? You and Mom were doing great until-

PHIL: Pipe down, pip squeak! How the hell would you know? You were in diapers when we split up.

LUGH: I was five.

PHIL: That’s what I said.

FREYA: Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Great God in heaven what is wrong with you people? If this is how you interact as a family, then it’s no wonder it took this long for me to convince Lugh to meet you two. You’re despicable; especially you, you leering, self-centered, cantankerous old goat! I’m sorry, Lugh, you were right, it would have been better if we’d just stuck to Sohruh’s company; she may be crazy but at least she’s a pleasant kind of bat shit. Let’s go.

FREYA stands.
PHIL claps slowly.

PHIL: Nice. That was very nice. Sit down, sweetie; you may be pretty when you’re angry but you’re even prettier when you’re not: I miss your matching party hats.

FREYA gasps.
AUTUMN shakes her head.
LUGH hides his face in his hands.

PHIL: What?! The only reason women dress like that is so men look at them. I’m looking and you’re complaining?

FREYA: When Lugh told me how despicable you are I assumed he was exaggerating; I mean, who can be as bad as he said you were? Lugh? I’m sorry. You were being kind. Hey, grandpa? Why don’t you move your fat, old ass so Lugh and I can leave? It’s been memorable but let’s not do it again sometime, ever, okay?

PHIL: Lugh, I am impressed. Here I thought that you were lured in by pretty packaging but you’ve got a real hell cat on your hands. Congratulations. And good luck.

FREYA: Lugh? Please. Let’s go.

FREYA stands.

LUGH: You need to get out of the way, Phil.

PHIL: Or what? You’re gonna push me out of the way? If you let your little Valkyrie here push you around now you might as well hand her your balls. In their own sack. Do you know how to spell emasculated? Better learn.

LUGH: Move, Phil.

PHIL: I’m eating.

LUGH pushes PHIL out of the booth.
PHIL sprawls across the restaurant floor.

PHIL: That wasn’t very nice, boy. I was going to pick up the check, but now I’m not so sure.

LUGH gets up from the bench.
LUGH: Autumn. Best of luck. Freya? Sorry. Let’s go.

PHIL from floor, sitting.
PHIL: Like that? You’re gonna leave me on the floor. Nice. I guess that bat shit stuff runs in the family. Say hi to Sohruh for us.

LUGH: Screw you, Phil. Three wives, five children? You’ve obviously hit the jackpot when it comes to a satisfying life. Like I said, best of luck, Autumn. Maybe he’ll be dead in another ten years or so. We can all hope; right?

FREYA and LUGH begin to exit right.
PHIL grabs LUGH’s leg and LUGH falls to the floor.

PHIL: Woah, pretty boy. Not so fast. I didn’t hear you ask to be excused.

AUTUMN: Phil. Stop it.

PHIL: Or what? He’s gonna tell mommy? Please. You’re all pathetic. Always making a scene.

FREYA: Lugh? Let’s go.

PHIL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t go away mad. Like I said, Freya, you’re just getting interesting in a more than merely decorative way. I miss that in my life. Sit, please.

FREYA: Lugh?

LUGH rises from the floor and looks down at PHIL. After two seconds LUGH offers PHIL his hand. PHIL hesitates and then takes LUGH’s hand. PHIL pulls LUGH to the ground and they begin to wrestle.

FREYA: Phil, you are a disgusting, juvenile pig! Lugh, let’s go!
FREYA steps into the fray and is knocked to the ground.

AUTUMN: What are you doing!? Stop it! Stop it now! Phillip!? I am taking the car and leaving you here! Do you hear me?! You are acting like two-year-olds!

FREYA, LUGH and PHIL begin to tussle and wrestle. LUGH and FREYA gang up on PHIL who is not afraid to fight dirty. PHIL bites, grabs LUGH by the crotch, intentionally fondles FREYA’s breasts, etc. When PHIL tries to crawl away FREYA and LUGH each grab one of his legs and pull him back into the melee where they put him in a half-nelson, sit on his back, etc.

AUTUMN: Stop it. Stop it, I said! If you don’t stop I’ll, I’ll…
AUTUMN grabs a water glass and holds it up.
AUTUMN:I’ll pour this on you! I swear I will.

FREYA, LUGH and PHIL continue to struggle.
Just as AUTUMN throws the water on FREYA, LUGH and PHIL ROBIN enters from up right.

ROBIN: What in the hell are you idiots doing!?

FREYA, PHIL and LUGH stop struggling with one another and freeze.
AUTUMN, FREYA, PHIL and LUGH all look at ROBIN. Their expressions are those of naughty children caught in the act of misbehaving.

ROBIN: Well?!

PHIL: Bonding?

ROBIN: Get up, you morons.

FREYA, PHIL and LUGH get up. They stand facing ROBIN with heads hanging down, looking contrite.

ROBIN: I can’t take any of you someplace nice, can I?

FREYA, LUGH and PHIL all look at one another with confused expressions.

ROBIN: And you? What kind of mother are you? If your children aren’t capable of acting civilly then you don’t take them out in public; everybody knows that!

AUTUMN: But-

ROBIN cuts AUTUMN off and holds up her hand at arm’s length, palm facing AUTUMN.

ROBIN: Hup! Zip it! You all need a time out.

PHIL: They started it?

ROBIN glares at PHIL.

FREYA: I’m sorry, Robin. I let Phil get under my skin. You’re a creep; you know that?

PHIL: Moi?

AUTUMN: Oh, shut up, Phil.

PHIL: Et tu, cutie? Then sigh Philip.

AUTUMN turns her back on PHIL, shaking her head.

ROBIN: You folks have two choices: You can clean this mess up, or I can call the cops. And you’re leaving me a big tip- none of your usual 15% crap. A really, really big tip. Got it?

PHIL: I was going to anyway.

ROBIN tilts her head down and to the side and glares at him.
ROBIN: Right. So what’s it gonna be, boys, clean or popo?

AUTUMN: There’s really no reason for you to treat us as though we’re chil-

ROBIN cuts AUTUMN off and holds up her hand at arm’s length, palm facing AUTUMN.
ROBIN: Can it, won’t you?

LUGH: Got a mop?

FREYA: I’m so sorry. We really don’t act this way.

ROBIN looks at FREYA with raised eyebrows for a two second count.

ROBIN: Right. I’ll get the mop.

ROBIN exits left.
PHIL, LUGH, FREYA and AUTUMN stand with arms folded avoiding eye contact with one another.


PHIL: “Hey! Who made this big mess? Me? Well, better clean it up!” Remember that Lughie? Big Comfy Couch, right? You used to love that show. You ever watch that when you were a little girl, Freya?

FREYA looks at PHIL, hands on hips.

PHIL: Oh! Come on! You know you watched it! “With Luna and Molly, a clown and her dolly on-”

LUGH has a huge “ta-da” style grin and his arms are outthrust, palms facing upward.
FREYA responds without enthusiasm.

FREYA: “The big Comfy Couch.” Yeah. I watched it.

ROBIN enters from left with a wheeled industrial bucket and a mop.
ROBIN: All yours, boys and girls. Anybody want a to-go box?

PHIL: Yeah. Give us two.

FREYA and ROBIN: Please!

PHIL: Wow. Uppity now, aren’t we? Fine. Give us two. Please. With sugar on top.

FREYA: Lugh?

LUGH: Yes, please.

ROBIN nods but does not answer. ROBIN exits up right. PHIL watches her leave.
LUGH takes the mop and begins to mop up the water. PHIL watches.

FREYA: Sweetie? You’re not very good at this, are you? Do you mind if I take over?

LUGH: Mind? Not even a little bit. Thank you.

FREYA and LUGH exchange a quick peck as LUGH hands FREYA the mop.
ROBIN returns with four to-go containers and the bill. She drops all of the items on the table.

ROBIN: And, Phil? Don’t forget what we talked about. Fifty bucks ought to handle it. Barely.

ROBIN exits up right. PHIL watches he walk away.

PHIL: Wow. Domestic bliss. (PHIL sings) She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, grab hold of your cojones till you forget you’re a man. Cuz she’s a woman. (End PHIL singing) Jesus, boy. I don’t know if I should envy you or shoot you. (PHIL tucks his thumbs into his armpits and flaps his impromptu wings) Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck!

AUTUMN: Let it go, won’t you, Phil?

FREYA: Yeah, Phil. Autumn, what in the name of God did you ever see in this moron?

AUTUMN: Don’t push it, sweet-heart. You mind your man and I’ll mind mine; okay?

FREYA: Man? More like a louse. I won’t ask what you ever saw in him but why are you sticking around? If he’s discarded two women he’ll discard you. Right, Philly?

PHIL: Can it, won’t you, doll face?

AUTUMN: Freya? Are you familiar with the world famous Islamic Prophet the Right Honorable Steven Demetre Georgiou, aka Rasul Yusuf Islam?

FREYA: No? Should I be?

AUTUMN: Well, as he, prophesied in 1390 A.H. in his world famous encyclical concerning tea, ‘Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world. It’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world. I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.’

FREYA looks at AUTUMN skeptically.
LUGH puts his and FREYA’s left overs into the to to-go containers.

FREYA: Is there a message in there somewhere?

AUTUMN: Yeah. MYOB. Mind your own business? Are you done mopping?

FREYA smiles at AUTUMN and puts the mop into the bucket.

FREYA: Yeah. And you know? Maybe you two are just perfect for each other after all. Lugh? Can we go?

LUGH: Sure, sweetie. Feel free to keep in touch, guys. Via Facebook. You can follow us all over Sweden. Just don’t post anything stupid because we’ll just block it. Now if only we could do that in the real world. Thanks for dinner, Daddy.

LUGH gathers their left-overs while Freya collects her purse. FREYA and LUGH begin to head toward the stage right exit.

PHIL: What? You’re not paying?

LUGH: (Without slowing his pace or turning around.) Maybe next time. I’ll call you. Good luck, Autumn; you’ll need it.

FREYA opens door for LUGH. FREYA and LUGH exit right.
PHIL slaps his credit card down onto the table, grabs the bill, holds it at a distant arm’s length, scowls, takes his reading glasses from his inner sport coat pocket, shakes his head and then writes in a total and signs the receipt.

PHIL: Geeze that kid. Takes after his mother. You ready?

AUTUMN slips her glasses out of her purse, puts them on, reads the bill, and looks at PHIL.

AUTUMN: Really? You’re such an asshole.

PHIL: Nobody tells Phil Anderer what to do. Let’s go.

PHIL gets and walks toward exit stage right. Autumn gathers her purse, shakes her head and follows him. PHIL and Autumn exit.
ROBIN enters from up right, walks to the table, picks up the bill and laughs.

ROBIN: Forty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents. Should have seen that one coming.

AUTUMN enters stage right.

ROBIN: Here with my penny?

AUTUMN: No, to get the to-go boxes. You got everything on camera, right?

ROBIN: Every little thing. Video and audio. This should help, don’t ‘cha think?

AUTUMN: Can’t hurt. Here, here’s another hundred. Thanks. I never should have signed that damn pre-nup.

ROBIN: We all make mistakes. Next week?

AUTUMN: Count on it. My lawyer says I need a to be able to display repeated ongoing abuse and philandering if I’m going to get more than a messily hundred grand. Two decades with this guy’s gotta be worth half of what he owns.

ROBIN: You think? See you next week.

AUTUMN: And, Robin? Do you think you could unbutton one more button? For Phil’s sake.

ROBIN: I’ll see what I can do. Have to keep the girls in the corral.

AUTUMN: Yeah. More’s the pity. Thanks. Bye.

ROBIN: See you next week.

AUTUMN exits stage right.
ROBIN cleans the booth and begins to re-set it.

ROBIN: (Singing Cat Steven’s song) “Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world. It’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world. I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.”

 LIGHTS

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