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Was not some German U-Boat by which I was besieged,
not some Unterseeboot that violated me.
Herr Kapitan extended his deft periscope
and in my nether regions he did prod and poke.

T’was no Star Trek journey, as man has gone before,
butt must say preparation had me feeling sore.
Fasted twenty hours, only liquids consumed;
I soon felt the power of my bowels start to move.

First was just a rumbling beneath my navel dear
butt soon there was movement, though it was far from clear.
I’m no vestal virgin in Fountains of Dark Rain,
butt though this was my fourth trip still held in disdain.

Evacuation details I will spare you from,
butt one thing is certain I was not having fun.
Round about ninety-minutes ‘fore first round was through,
then combatants called, “Cease fire!” for one hour plus two.

Drained in too many ways, I collapsed in a heap,
at ten was awakened and ordeal did repeat.
There are fountains of sorrow, and fountains of light,
just know that my poor behind fountained through the night!

Next morning bright and early my darling drove me
over to the doctor for colonoscopy.
I was stripped and measured, both BP and heart rate,
Propofol injected, feared I’d have Michael’s fate.

There was no counting backwards before I was out.
Mumbled, “Stings a bit,” before consciousness did rout.
When I regained my senses, darling by my side,
nurse described yellow lights, I’m too old to be fine.

Thankful “procedures” extend quality of life,
growing old ain’t for weaklings as it comes with strife.
We can sit here crying or laughing carry on
know which path I’m gonna take, says so in this song!

T’was no Star Trek journey, as man has gone before,
butt must say preparation had me feeling sore.
Fasted twenty hours, only liquids consumed;
I soon felt the power of my bowels start to move.

Was not some German U-Boat by which I was besieged,
not some Unterseeboot that violated me.
Herr Kapitan extended his deft periscope
and in my nether regions he did prod and poke.